Reclaiming a murdered soul

The doctor comes in, with two assistants behind him. They do the routine check and give a very wry smile. The doctor comes up to me, ” Mrs. Thakur, I know you have gone through a lot emotionally, during these few months. Please keep some more patience as we will need you to be strong and..”

I cut him in between, “He is not going to survive doc, is he?”

Everybody in the room gives me shocking looks but I ignore that and look at the doctor plainly, wanting an answer this time.

“Mrs. Thakur. We are trying our best to bring him out of coma. I won’t lie to you but there are chances he will live only on ventilator, that too, not for long. We suggest you rethink on the suggestion we brainstormed last week”

“You mean he is no more than a vegetable hence forth?”

By this, I hear my family, letting out not-so-silent abuses for my bold question. Rhea comes up to me, holds my hand to take me out of the waiting room.

I do not move. My eyes are fixed on the doctor for an answer. The doctor is taken aback too. After few seconds of silence, he gives up and answers, “I leave you to think over what we have discussed so far.”

Saying this, the doctor pats my back and leaves the room.

I leave Rhea’s hand and sit down. Inside, I had turned into something else. Something really impatient. Something really bold. Maybe, someone really different from the previous ME.

My own family members look at me as if I had turned my own husband in to the ICU. And that, I was his culprit. Other days, I would try to defend myself with numerous explanations. But today, I just did not feel like justifying anything to anybody. I keep my calm, look at them emotionlessly and ask them to leave, as the visiting hours were over.

Each one leaves, giving me a smirk turn by turn and chanting some slang words for me. Rhea tries apologising to them for my behaviour and defending me by saying that I had not got rest in a while and maybe it was the frustration in me speaking.

I smile. I smile to see how naïve Rhea is. I smile to see how she has turned exactly like me but still doesn’t understand me. My head is still low. I keep staring at the ground. I either want to get up and run or just get buried inside this very ground. Is this how Sita felt when she was the centre of attraction with all sort of questions onto her? With so many doubts loaded on her by others while she herself did not get normal yet, from all the trauma she underwent, during her stay at Lanka.

Just when I was lost in the usual thoughts, I feel a hand on my shoulder. A tight grip assuring me that I will never be alone. I look up and don’t realise when tears start flowing out of my eyes. I close my eyes and relax as the firm hand pampers my back. Just then Rhea comes up and the hand goes onto my shoulder from my back.

She takes me with her abruptly to the church in the hospital and asks me to sit. I sit down and ask her to sit too. We both sit in silence. I muster up the courage to speak up my feelings to her. About me and the debates I have been having inside of me. I hug her and cry out loud.

She leaves my embrace and asks me, “What do you think you are doing?”

I am surprised at her question. “I want a hug Rhea. Can I get one please?”

She stands up, closes the door behind her and comes up to me, “Why don’t you go and hug him? Oh yes! You would have, if I wouldn’t have turned up then, right?”

I watch her in a confused state. Her eyes fuming out anger like a volcano.

“Rhea, can you calm down please and tell me what is the exact issue?”

“Problem? Look Ma, I know this is none of my business and Dhwaj- your son, is the right person to talk to you about it. But he is in no mood to discuss this, while his dad is going through so much pain. Hence, I have decided to take matters in my hand now. “

I understand what this is all about. “Go on. Tell me what you have been keeping to yourself all this while.”

With this, she gets angrier, “Yes, this has been running on my mind since a while but God alone knows since when you and that Rajan uncle have been brewing up stuff between the two of you. I feel disgusted even talking about you both. Why are you doing this? Isn’t your family enough for you that you both have started an affair at this age? How dare he touch you in an appropriate manner? You did not even retaliate Ma? Maybe, you are liking all this. Is that why you want dad to become a vegetable for the rest of his life? So that you and that man can keep your affair on, behind his back?

But you know what? Surprise! It is not a secret anymore. People are talking about you both and apparently, they have been talking about this since years. They say you were an item just few years after you got married to dad and that is why you and dad could never really connect on an emotional level, leading to him go under stress and these hospital visits every now and then have ultimately landed him in coma. Why don’t you go away? Just leave us alone Ma. You embarrass us and today was the limit. I never spoke to you in a rude manner ever, thinking that maybe it is your and dad’s personal problem. But I can’t see my husband and your husband suffering anymore because of you.”

I see her gasping for air. Tears rolling down her cheeks. I try to wipe them with my shawl. But she moves away.

I leave out a sigh. “Rhea. Thank you for giving me the permission to leave and… “

“Yes! I knew it! You always wanted a chance to run away, leaving our poor dad alone!”

“Hold your horses Rhea!”, I speak a bit louder this time.

“You know, raising your voice is not doing any good, right?”

I calm down and speak,” I know that and that is why I haven’t really spoken anything about this since its inception. Yes, I am in love with Rajan. Yes, I don’t love your dad.” – Rhea looked at me in disgust. I ignored that and continued.

” How could I love him anyway? He never gave me the love which was supposed to be showered on me. During our time, it was always the elders who would decide our life partners. I was ok with that. But what I wasn’t ok with was your father’s attitude and behaviour towards his wife. No, he wasn’t demeaning at all. He was just a husband after all. It was his wish when he would come home or not come at all. It was his wish if he would want sex or just make me lie beside him each night. Don’t get surprised if I speak out my mind boldly today. As today is a limit for me too. Anyway, back to the topic. It was his wish if he would eat what I cook or throw the plate of hot food on my face. I don’t know if Dhwaj remembers me going to the hospital, with burns and scars, all by myself. Because it was up to his poor dad if he felt like helping his wife recover or not. No, he was never bad to me except for all the times when he would mock me in front of his drunk friends and talk about how good I was in bed and if they wanted to cross verify it themselves, by sleeping with me. It was his wish whether he wanted me to sleep with him or any of his friends each night.” Rhea threw abhorred looks at me. I still did not stop.

” You know Rhea, when I conceived Dhwaj, I wasn’t happy like a normal mother. While everybody was dancing in joy, I wanted to rush to the doctor and check who the father is. I checked it in few days and thankfully, your lucky father in law was Dhwaj’s biological father. But tell me, how does it matter? Dhwaj was never born out of love. But I tried forgetting all that and immersed myself in Dhwaj’s care and so the years passed by. With my husband’s really special care, still continuing even after Dhwaj was born, I was made to sleep in a different room every now and then, with some or the other friend of my husband while Dhwaj would cry in his crib all night.

Maybe that is why your poor father in law and I have never been so emotionally connected after all. When did he see me as his wife? I was not allowed to go out by myself. People thought he is such a protective husband. But the reality is that he was scared that I would run away or worse, tell my family. Well, I did try to tell my parents when he made me sleep with some other man the first time. But I stopped complaining after the typical replies I received from my poor parents saying how my husband’s home is my home now. I shouldn’t be questioning his motive and that he will do things for my own good. But no one could stop me from questioning myself as to what good did all this do for me. I feel disgusted being called his wife Rhea.

This one time, Rajan – your dad’s then business partner visited us for dinner. Dhwaj was in a boarding school that time. His dad never kept him with us since he grew of an understandable age. How would your father in law and his friends continue with their shenanigans otherwise? Dhwaj was in a boarding school and then to some other city for his higher studies. Ultimately, Dhwaj assumed that his mother never loved him so he never came back to stay with us for a while.

Coming back to Rajan. He was with us that evening. I served both of them food and your dad signalled me to go to the bedroom. I understood that the routine has started and Rajan would be my new partner for the night.

I was in the room inside the sheets when he came inside. I did not find anything shameful by now. I sat still and naked. He came up to me and asked me to wear my clothes. We just slept beside each other the entire night. We did not speak anything. Neither did he ask me for any explanation nor did I explain.

Days, turned into months and I would always await him visiting us. Many times, he would bring his wife along and my husband would be forced to make me a part of the dinner conversations too. He would organise trips for the four of us and have your dad drunk to the core where he would lose his senses. I would ultimately sleep in Rajan’s room with his wife while Rajan would sleep with your dad. All this, not because we wanted to keep the affair going on but just so that your dad doesn’t abuse me behind the closed doors on any trip and spoil my trip.

Whenever Rajan would be with me in the room alone all night, we would talk about all things. He would tell me how the outside world was. He would make me wear clothes which I never imagined wearing all my life. He would teach me many things like speaking to people over the phone or in person. We would do everything but touch each other. There was always this undeniable sexual tension between us, but I ignored it, thinking it would be my lust for a man who really loved me. I always thought Rajan pitied me and hence was helping me out.

He would visit us regularly with the fear of your dad having somebody else in the room with me other than him.

One fine night, I confessed how I was in love with him. He smiled and kissed me on my forehead. That night was the first time I ever felt the right touch on my skin that made me feel like a lady and not some prostitute. Later, we always met twice every week and he would spend the afternoons with me too, when my husband was at the workplace.

I asked him once why he was with his wife and still sleeping with me. He smiled again. Rajan was a man of very few words. He just answered me, “Do you want me to stop meeting you then?” I stopped discussing that as Rajan was the only piece of my life which kept me going and I did not want to push him away.

He later told me how he wanted to help me escape from this dungeon and he would run away with me too. He would help me raise Dhwaj rightly with all the love and care he needed from a father.

I was shocked at this bold proposal. I had never thought of running away. For me, I was this helpless girl immersed with self-loath and nothing else. I never got this idea of fighting against anything. Though, I always wanted to kill myself. I was at the brink of it too. I did not even think of Dhwaj that time. Your dad never let me get close to Dhwaj too, by keeping him away from me all the time. But then, I met Rajan and somewhere I got a motive to live. His smile, his talks, trips with him kept me going. But never did I feel like leaving this miserable life.

“I love you Swara. I can’t see you living this life. I want to give you all my love. As for my wife, she doesn’t love me either. I can free her and be with you for the rest of our life. Your husband won’t be able to do anything. I have the best lawyers in hand and..”

I stopped Rajan. “No Rajan. I can’t run away. My parents will die of shock and this society will kill them if they don’t die of shock. I just wanted some help from you.”

He said, “Yes yes, anything for you love.”

“Please make him stop calling other men at home. I hate to see any body looking at me other than you. I don’t want to sleep with him either.”

Rajan smiled, “Done!”

I don’t know how, but Rajan filed a police complaint and made me sign few papers which I had no idea about. After few days, I noticed your father completely silent in front of me. I could sense his hate for me though. But he stopped calling anybody at home and he would sleep in the next room. Dhwaj was called back home and I would try to connect with him. But he always thought his mother was wrong since he had heard rumoured stories of his sinful mother from his poor and innocent father and other neighbours.

But I was at peace. I was free in a way. I could step out of the house at my own will. I would see your father helplessly eyeing me getting ready and going out but would never ask me where I was going. I would go with Rajan to all sort of eateries. He would take me to parks too. I would giggle as a child and he would keep staring at me.

We would go for outings. Just the two of us. Not anywhere far. As I was too scared to leave Dhwaj alone with his dad. We would be in some hotel on the outskirts of the city and spend our time alone all day along. I would forget my real life when with him.

My parents passed away one after another and Rajan once again pounced on me with the escape plan.

I refused as it was Dhwaj’s turn to start a new life. He had found solace in you. Sometimes, I would feel jealous that Dhwaj shared all things with his girlfriend and not his mother. But then, Rajan would prompt me that it was better that Dhwaj had found somebody to share his thoughts with.  Just like I had Rajan. I made peace with that, thinking of how lucky my son was. Not everyone meets a good partner at the first go.

I explained to Rajan how my life was anyway over and running away now would be a big embarrassment for Dhwaj and his wife for their entire life.

Your dad went into rehabilitation because of his drugs and alcohol addiction. Those were the best years of my life as I felt a huge burden off me for a while. I did not have prying eyes over me and I could live life for a change rather than just waking up each morning and surviving through the day.

Few years ago, Rajan’s wife died in a car accident. The matter was escalated as her body was seen with some other unidentified male. It was then, when Rajan confessed, how his wife was always in love with her ex-lover all their married life and he had come to our house the first time, only out of frustration of finding that out.

He fell in my arms and cried out. I saw this strong man go weak, for the first time ever and it hurt me to see him that way. I hugged him tightly, assuring him that I will always be by his side. Was I really with him though? He later on, calmed down as I served him a cup of tea and sat closely beside him.

I asked him without looking at him,” So you did love her unconditionally. In spite of knowing about her affair, you still stayed married to her.”

He looked at me and tried speaking but I cut him in between.” You should not have been with me Rajan if you loved her so much. Why would you be with me? Oh! Just because your wife wouldn’t let you sleep with her. That is why I was made to sleep with her on our trips. I thought you cared about me but all this while, being with me was just so that you could keep your ego on top. Are you happy now? You proved her that even you could get laid with somebody else. Now that she is not here anymore, should we stop this enactment of love and get back to our old life?”

” You don’t know what you are speaking Swara. I never did love her after I met you.”, explained a helpless Rajan.

It angered me more,” Then why are you crying Rajan?! Why?!”, I yelled.

With an even louder voice, he yelled at me for the first time,” Because she was my wife and she was a good lady! Even if love did not prevail between us, I respected her.”

I smirked,” Right!”

He held me by my shoulders and shook me violently.” You want to know why I am crying? Do you?”

I was so shocked with this event. I couldn’t speak a word but my tears did answer him.

He sat on the sofa and cried again. I did not go near him. Right now, for me, he was just a husband to a dead lady whom he claimed to never have loved but I was wrong.

Silently, he wiped his tears and without looking at me, said” Swara, I agree that I fell in love with Roshni since the day we were married. She would, somehow, never let me come near her though. I thought with passing time, she would fall in love with me too. But it never happened. And I saw her with her lover one day and went furiously to confront them. She looked at me with fear and before she could say anything, I held her by her arm and took her home. That day, she spilled out the beans. She was never in love with me. She was forced to marry me as her lover was not of the same caste.

I asked her to leave me then and we both could start a new life. I even offered her to help her in eloping with her lover. But she refused. She still loved her parents and was scared that they would lose face in front of the society if she eloped. I was helpless that evening and came to your house to meet your husband. Not to sleep with you. It was too late after all the drinks and your husband offered me to sleep at your place that night. I agreed and he showed me the guest bedroom. When I came in, I was shocked to see you naked in bed and looking at me. All of a sudden, I realised that indeed all rumours were true that your husband would make you sleep with other men. I felt guilty of being in that room. But if I had left the room that night, it would have meant your husband thinking that you asked me to leave and it would somehow put you in a difficult situation.

That night, I did not sleep a wink. I was thinking of how my wife had caged herself with me because of the shame she thought she would bring to her parents. And today, beside me, was another lady who had caged herself too. I wanted to help someone at least live out of their misery. I started building your self-confidence and in turn fell in love with you. I don’t remember when but when you confessed your love for me, it made me confident that I wasn’t the only one in love this time. I took the courage to propose to you to run away with me as this would also mean my wife being free to start a new life with all the blame on me as the disloyal one.

Your reason not to elope with me took me aback but I then realised what my wife would be feeling staying with me while in love with somebody else all this while.”

I put my hand on his shoulder and asked,” I thought she was not in love with you. Why didn’t you tell me your wife was in love with somebody else?”

” Would you have changed your decision anyway? And anyway, I would never reveal such things about my wife. The same way like I never spoke about you to anybody else. I understand how much a lady’s dignity is important to her.”

I stayed quiet. He was right. Nothing would have made me change my decision.

He continued,” It may sound silly but I cried because I felt guilty of not pushing my wife to be with her lover earlier. She spent her entire life hiding from the world with her lover and never could live a free life. I know I couldn’t have helped her in any way without her permission but I was her husband. It was my duty to keep her happy. Unless, I am wrong.”

I hugged him instantly and cried out. I apologised for doubting his love for me.” No, you are not wrong. You did all you can. But sometimes situations are out of our control and all we can do is go with the flow.”

” I love you Swara. I always did and will always love you. Roshni was my wife by law. But you are the person with whom I see my life ahead. Please come with me. I want to be your partner now and always.”

I couldn’t answer him that day and kept looking at the ground. My silence answered him, I guess. He never asked me anything after that day. Never.”

Till now Rhea was sitting and listening to me quietly. Her eyes were fixed on mine like a glue. I couldn’t guess her reaction as she sat there lifeless.

I went near and sat beside her,” Rhea, your poor father got pleasure in seeing his wife sleeping with other men. After that stopped, he took to drugs and alcohol but never did he feel ashamed of what agony he imposed on me. He never had humanity in him let alone love for me. Rajan was my saviour then. I would have died long back had he not held me firmly for him and Dhwaj. Dhwaj never saw the pain in my eyes while I would try to connect with him. When you became a part of this family, I saw to it that you are far away from the shadows of this husband of mine. I know it would never happen but I was scared he would try to impose on you, things that he did with me. I wanted Dhwaj to be happy. I asked you guys to stay in a different house away from this dungeon. I know this never allowed us to bond with each other. But this was the least I could do for my children.

I always dreamt of having you as my best friend in whom I could confide this but I wasn’t sure if you would understand. Today, I told you my story because today I don’t care what anybody would think. Rhea, I am tired to live this life. I want to live my life freely with Rajan and experience what being a wife would be. Experience a real family with Rajan, Dhwaj and you. Is it wrong for me to think that your father in law should not live like a vegetable for the rest of the few years left in his life? Am I being selfish? If I am, then I don’t care. Yes, I am selfish. If this man has caged me for 30 years, I have all the right to live a respectful life, now that there is no hope for him to live a normal life.”

Rhea stands up and leaves the church. I sit there and cry out loud. I knew nobody would understand me. Rajan comes inside hurriedly after some time and calls out my name loud.

I look at him and see the smile on his face. I do not understand anything for a second till he comes running towards me and speaks out loud,” Swara, you are no more a prisoner. You are free! Did you hear me? You are free?!”

I heave a sigh of relief.” Really? Did the doctors confirm? Today morning, the doctor said he would live over the ventilator. How did this happen?”

” No idea. But the nurse went inside and came out saying he is no more.”

I hug him and cry. I cry not for him. But these are tears out of relief, happiness or whatever you may want to think.

I go up to his room and see my husband from the door. My namesake husband. He has indeed gone for good. Rhea comes up behind me,” Mom, please come with me. There is some paperwork to be done and we need your signature.” I am confused but I follow her lead.

” Mom, I am sorry but I need to get this out of my system.”. I still have no clue as to what she is trying to tell me. She showed me a paper and gave it in my hand.

It read that it was with my permission that the hospital took my husband off the ventilator. My eyes saw my own signature in horror. Sure, I always wanted to sign it but never had the courage too.

” Rhea”, I stammered.” Believe me I never signed this. I told you how I wished to live freely but I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of killing someone.”

”Ssshhh mom. Calm down. You haven’t murdered anyone. You have freed him.”

” But I haven’t signed this!”, I panic.

” Mom! Please don’t freak out. Please. You have signed this for his good and Dhwaj will understand this once he knows what he should have, long ago.”

All of a sudden, I understand what transpired in that half an hour after Rhea left me at the prayer room. I held her hands,” Rhea, what if somebody comes to know that you forged my signature?”

Rhea laughs,” Mom, is that you are worried about right now? What is done is done. And eventually, if you say you have signed this, who is to question? Mom, now you have your new life in front of you. You should start planning for it.”

” Rhea, this is murder. How will I be able to live my life knowing somebody died because of me?”, I move away from her.

” Ms. Swara. This is not murder. The murder was already done 30 years ago and nobody bothered then. And trust me, nobody cares right now too. We have to meet Dhwaj and have a long discussion with him. After all, he has a right to know who his mother is, in reality. You must be exhausted. Let us go back, finish all formalities and rituals and start a new life with Dhwaj, me, you and Rajan uncle.” She smiles.

I look at her with tears and hug her. I have my daughter in law by my side. I have no worries in my life anymore.

I hold her hand mustering courage and this time, walk towards my present with the determination to face the reality and renew my soul.

Let’s Go Love..

Let’s go Love..
Let’s go somewhere and tell nobody.
Let’s make love near the fireplace in winters chilly..
Let’s race against the waves of the ocean,
And float steady under the sun..
Let’s climb trees to pluck apples,
And nourish each bite with stories leading to chuckles..
Let’s dream under the moon with eyes open,
And smile till dawn, just two of us and none..
Let’s not talk like two tourists who wander,
But like two travellers who explore inside of each other – their thunder..
For I am ready to walk with you on the road less travelled,
Holding your hand and experiencing each moment with joy and
marvel..
What is Love if we opened it up in front of everybody?
Let’s go somewhere love and tell nobody!

Such is Life!

Our seats are fixed. Each day, I sit at the window seat of the second row. This way, I get to hold on to the front seat in case the driver decides to act crazy on the road. She boards the bus at the next boarding point. We smile, each time she boards the bus. The only reason for such a rendezvous is because my seat is at an direct angle for the eye contact, a person encounters, when one boards the bus. She hardly sees at an eye level otherwise. Her eyes are always falling low as if in search of something down there. She prefers the front seat diagonally opposite mine. This way, I get to notice her actions more often.

Once my window opened because of the sudden jerk of the bus and the rains splashed over me furiously. She turned around, saw me and laughed out loudly. Her laughter was so innocent and chirpy that it made me burst into giggles too. She said, “Such is Life! We have to accept it and live with it or it will forcefully drench us in it.” It got me thinking that day. She made such a huge statement yet so easy and simple to hear at the first go.

That day, we can call it fortunate or unfortunate but our bus was stuck somewhere and we had to wait for it for an hour to arrive. Actually, hours to be precise. I was growing impatient and decided to take the local public transport. I was almost out of the gate when I heard a voice say, “It is all going to be the same! Don’t try it!”

I looked behind to see if I was supposed to be the recipient of that advice. It was her. She smiled and came up to me, “I have tried this several times but instead have been more tired at my arrival. It is better to wait for our bus than be kicked down by the peak hour rush in the public transport. Takes the same amount of time. Trust my experience.”

I smiled at her. Her serene and wrinkled face. In spite of any hassle, she would always smile back, soothing your soul. My spirit uplifted when I realised that she had noticed me going to the gate. I was relieved that I was not the only one stalking.

I waited with her for almost two hours till our bus finally arrived. It was a luxury to sit on the bus seat after standing for several hours. Everybody was quiet. They were just waiting to go back home that day. All eyes were shut. Some were reading, some browsing the internet, some sleeping while I couldn’t get my eyes off her. I wanted to notice each thing about her. It inspired me in some way. At the same time, I wanted to close my eyes and recall each word of our conversation since the last two hours. Those two hours. Those precious two hours!

She asked me my story. I thought it was a weird question. My looks said it all. She smirked and said, “My dear, everybody here, has a story. A story of their life. What is your story?”

“I have many stories Ma’am”, I smiled.

She looked into my eyes and said, “So which one would you tell me today? We need to kill time as it is”, she winked at me. At that, we both laughed.

We finished my story and she listened to me crib about life so intently, for once I felt I was boring her. But she had this calm and serene look maintained on her face throughout. Anyone would want to share their life stories with such a good listener.

Then came the turn for the famous awkward silence. We did not have anything to talk about, after all my blabbering for forty five minutes, I assume.

I dared to ask her, “So? What is your story?”

She looked at me with a huge smile and said, “Well, my story is not as adventurous like yours sweetheart.”

“C’mon! I told mine. Now it is your turn. Let us kill some more time please?”, I made a very innocent face to convince her. She agreed and finally spoke.

Each time I would see her sitting in the bus, I would feel some weird thing about that lady. It always made me curious to know more about her. Eyes closed all the while, earphones plugged into her ears and wrinkled yet soft hands wrapped around her. She would not speak with anybody in the bus nor make any contact. Yet, it surprised me how I got this golden chance to actually speak with her today.

Today, when I see her from my seat, I see a strong lady in her. A lady who lost her husband after eight years of marriage, left behind with a six year old daughter. A lady who was always hopping around each corner of the world. Who unintentionally took her husband and daughter for granted and kept travelling. She was an extrovert. A people’s person as she described. Today, I also see a broken lady. Broken because she is not only alone but also lonely. She has nobody to go back to, at the end of the day. Yet a positive person who has accepted her life and living it with each passing moment.

“I was at an exchange programme in Kerala when my husband passed away. He just left me. Left us. He died in his sleep for no reason. For once, I thought it was all a joke to bring me back home earlier than planned. I was furious at my daughter’s caretaker and told her that the joke was really sick and she should stop being a part of my husband’s stupid plan of calling me back from work. But she cried out begging me to come back. She said that Gauri was unaware of it and she needed to know about her father from her mother. All the relatives thought it was best for me to break out that news to her. You know? I was so numb that moment that all I could hear were hurried mumbling sounds over the phone and it was like the the world collapsed in front of me.”, She said with an expressionless face.

I got tears in my eyes when she was speaking. I get tears in my eyes even now when my eyes are closed in the bus.

“I went back to Delhi. My home. Which no more seemed my home. Each step towards the house seemed heavier for me to pick. Somehow, I wished this was all a dream and I would wake up to the boring lectures of the exchange programme. But I had to face it. I had to face the truth. The great moment of truth. He was right in front of our veranda. His face was so calm. I couldn’t even cry that time. People thought what kind of wife I was. It is mandatory for a wife to cry at her husband’s death, I guess. But that is for people. For me, I had already died from inside. My soul was empty from inside. I did not know what expressions were like. I sat by his side, touched his forehead. I remembered how I would come back home from each tour and kiss his forehead. I did the same this time. I kissed his forehead and he was taken away from me. I sat there for a long time. I don’t even remember what I was thinking that time. It became dark. I realised everybody had left. I stood up and called my brother to drop Gauri home. He asked me if I was sure I could handle her and it saddened me to know that none of the people who knew me actually thought I could handle my own daughter. Well, they were not wrong either. I never stayed at home much with Gauri. We would always spend time for a week or two and I would run back to my touring. Rajiv never stopped me. He had Gauri with him and he was happy seeing me content with life. He never made me realise that I was not being a responsible mother. He spoilt me in a way. He took care of Gauri for both of us. I can say he mothered me too.”, she smiled.

This time I could see tears welling up in her eyes. Oh wait! Nope! Again it were my eyes and not hers. Her eyes were as usual, clear like a crystal and words sharp like a knife.

“Once Gauri came home, it took me a lot of courage to break that news to her. I told her and immediately hugged her. I cried this time. Maybe, I was waiting for my daughter to cry with me. She cried too. But alone. She ran to her room leaving my arms and sat in her bed for days together. I would come to her room and feed her forcefully. But she would be crying all the time. After few weeks, things got a bit normal from the worst. She came out and I was in the kitchen. I saw her and asked if she would like omelette for breakfast. She looked at me straight in my eyes and asked me when I was leaving next for my trip and where will she go later. She asked with such fear in her and it gripped my heart badly. I took her in my arms and cried out. I told her that I was not going anywhere and I would always be with her. This time, she too cried with me. We were sitting on the kitchen floor for hours that day”, she paused to drink water.

“It is good that you were each other’s support since then. Six years had gone but at least now you got to stay with Gauri”, I said, showing some supportive look.

She looked at me and then looked away, still drinking water. I waited for her gaze to come back to me and thought this was her story. But I was wrong.

“Would you judge me if I say that I made two biggest mistakes of my life?”, She questioned.

“Why would I judge? I am nobody to judge. You can share your mistakes with me.”, I answered calmly. Calmly, because I thought no mistake would be bigger than what she just told me.

She smirked, “The first mistake was leaving my daughter alone for six years and not getting to see her childhood at all. I never knew if she liked a dosa or an omelette or a paratha. I never knew her friends. I never knew that she loved dancing and skating. I never knew she hated Barbie dolls and went gaga over superman. Rajiv made up for my long absence and Gauri never really noticed my absence. Rajiv was a good parent, I must appreciate. I was just a tourist in my house. Or I should say – their home. I always thought it was my home but I was wrong. I failed as a wife and as a mother. I loved travelling and this is who I was. I tried taking up a full-time job in an university at Delhi. Spent one year taking care of Gauri. Work kept me occupied and I came out of my grief eventually. Gauri never came out of it. She would see me as a stranger, staying in her house and taking care of her. At least I felt that from the look of her eyes. She can’t be blamed. She tried bonding with me. Trusting me again. But I broke her trust. After a year, I started getting bored of my routine life. I was never brought up this way. I had this worm wriggling inside me to get out of the house again. Some days I would get frustrated on Gauri for no reason. It saddened her. It saddened me too. The poor little kid. What was her fault? But what was my fault? Rajiv never let me abort her and promised me that I would never have to take her responsibility.”

I was quiet this time.

“I suppose you are judging me but I don’t care really. I have had enough people who judged me and taunted me and yelled at me. I was kind of an outcast in my own family. I called back Gauri’s caretaker and gave her a full-time job at my house. I started with a week, touring initially to let Gauri adjust to my life style. I would tour around for a week, writing about places, studying the cities and come back home to her. Stay with her for another week and set off again. Gauri would cry initially when I would leave but then she stopped that too. She started hating me- her name sake mother. She wasn’t wrong at all. I was very blind to see her hatred for understanding. All the while, I thought she started adjusting to my touring pattern and it boosted me to go for longer trips outside the country. Months passed. Years passed. My brother was Gauri’s guardian and would take care of her school and college. It never occurred to me that I was drifting apart from my daughter. She silently slipped off my life. Maybe I never let her in my life. This was the second mistake of my life dear. The most regretful mistake I made. I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment. I missed out the most precious moments of my daughter’s growth. Her school, her exams, her achievements, her dance competitions, her first date, her first kiss, her first breakup. I was never there for her. I don’t forgive myself for that”, she looked away this time.

I let her take that space and did not speak for few minutes. There was this deafening silence between us but not an awkward one. Many thoughts were going in my mind. Rushing actually. I suddenly felt the urge to go away from this lady. I kind of started hating her. But again, curiosity got the better of me.

“So where is Gauri now?”

She looked at me and her eyes brightened all of a sudden, “Oh! She is in San Francisco right now, finishing her PhD and working for a decent firm simultaneously.”

I smiled half-heartedly and she knew that. “Look, I know what you are thinking and I have nothing to justify for my actions. All I can say is I was selfish and I deserve the loneliness I am experiencing right now. I have nobody to come back to, at the end of the day. I eat alone, I watch the television alone. Not that my life was any different previously. I never had a fling. I love Rajiv and always will. People thought I was having an affair and hence that explained my tours. But that was not the truth. I have been a nomad all my life and have learnt my lessons too. That life costed me my daughter. I was not there for her when she needed me in her childhood and now Karma hit me badly. She is not with me when I need her in my old age. Not for taking care of me. I can take care of myself thankfully. But it would have been different if she were to be living with me and we sharing a cup of coffee on a rainy evening like this, sitting in our veranda. Each evening I go home, I realize what Gauri would have gone through each day for 20 long years.”

“Gauri must be really upset with you? Does she speak with you?”, I asked sympathetically.

“Oh! She is just like her father. She calls me every day without fail and has bought me this tablet where we skype each evening. I know she considers me as her responsibility. No deep feelings but just the right amount of care which an old lady needs. Maybe she has forgiven but not forgotten. Maybe she forgave me because she knew what it is like to be lonely. We talk more like friends. I say this because I never have been a mother in the real sense. I don’t know what mothers do normally. I lost my mother when I was born. But this is not an excuse for my behaviour with Gauri. Never has been. But I take it positively. I get to know about her Friday flings and her new crushes. She shares with me things which friends share with each other. And I take that vibe ahead. I love being her friend. Maybe one day we shall get close to being best friends.”

“Don’t you want to be her mother again?” – I ask her.

She laughed. “Dearie, beggars cannot be choosers, they say. I am content that I have my daughter in touch with me. I am happy being her friend. In the end, feelings matter. Being a mother or a friend, is just a tag, people give. I am grateful that I have one person who would be by my side when I die. Not everybody gets that luxury in today’s busy technological world. I deeply regret for what I did but maybe Rajiv still takes care of me in Gauri’s disguise.”

“Wow! You are such a strong lady! I respect…”

She stopped me abruptly, “No! Don’t say that. I did not tell you this to gain any sympathy. In fact, nobody here knows about me. I don’t know why I told you my story. But remember one thing – I am not strong. I am the biggest coward you would have met. I ran away from my problems each time and thought I was having the time of my life. But the fact is I ran away from my responsibility when my daughter needed me the most. I am just making up for whatever I did and trying to punish myself so that I do not have any pending karma for my next life. I would love to start a fresh chapter next time. For this life, I have had my ups and downs.”

I open my eyes as she nudges my hand, “My stop has arrived dear. Don’t think too much. Such is Life. We live it our way and end it our way.”

I smile at her as she gets off the bus. I do not know whether she was right or wrong. I am nobody to judge that. Nobody knows the circumstances; a person grows in and what makes a person an evil or a saint, what moulds a person. It is our life and our situations create us inch by inch. We all make our own stories and publish it on earth, I guess.

So, what is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

The ‘Tag along’ ..

Here I am, sitting at the airport, listening to all sort of public announcements, one after the other.
This is what one pays, to have a flight delayed hour after hour.
I plug in my earphones and play  soothing music. My eyes are closed. I  am not sleeping though. I recall the entire day before me. It, indeed, has been a long day.

How I wish, I was on my bed at the moment, snuggled up, reading my book with hot chocolate as a treat to my taste buds.I am enjoying that visual playing in my mind. Replaying it once again for my ease.

All of a sudden, my mind takes a jolt and I open my eyes! I try to look around everywhere. Finding that face among strangers. Eyes looking at me in surprise as I get up with speed and walk down the entire airport.My heart racing faster. It debates with my mind.

I knew that fragrance. It had to be him. It had to be him here somewhere. But why am I looking out for him frantically? A part of my heart is not ready to see him. A part of the same heart yearns to catch a glimpse of him.

Fragrance sure is as sly as a fox, paving its path out of the blue and throwing you stranded in the middle of nowhere.This fragrance has been haunting me since years now. It had stopped since 3 years, I guess.

I remember I had left my luggage near my seat. I return to it and sit with utter disgust.
Disgust because I would not want to be the person looking out for him. He never looked out for me. Why should I? But I knew my soul had questions. Many questions waiting to be answered. It needed him to say the truth, embrace me and let me cry on his shoulders. Cry endless till I pass out.

Isn’t it true that hypocrisy plays a major role in a nostalgic life full of half baked emotions?

I miss him. His smile. The way I would jump with happiness, see him entering through the door. I miss him taking me in his arms and tickling me till I would cry out.

He left me without saying a proper goodbye. Why did he have to do this? Not that, I wouldn’t have stopped him but a nice adieu would have been better for my soul to digest the fact.

The fact that he would never be there to feed me during my sickness when I would throw tantrums. The fact that he would never defend me in front of others even when we both knew I was at fault.

Many times, I recall our last day together. Yes, our last day. Not his last day. His last day was when he had sent me to the grocery store and left immediately. He never gave me a chance to show my love to him.

How I wish that last day could have turned out a little different. A little different from the actual scenario that happened. I wish I could have stuck beside him as a glue. I wish I could have stopped him to leave.

I miss his presence. I miss his fragrance. I miss my father.

Yes he was a father to me. He is still my father but none of my close ones would allow me to acknowledge that. I was too young to understand what happened that day. I was told he had gone out for some work. I did not dare ask which work. I never asked them about his return too.

I would silently observe my mother. She was calm. Her eyes welled up at times and she would hug me tight and cry. I never understood her tears. They came as soon as his name popped up and would silently dry up instantly. Some magic they were.

As I grew old, things became clear to me. He had left us because he was tired of my mother. I was always curious if he said anything about me.

My mother would lash out saying if that reason wasn’t enough for me to hate him.
Honestly, I never hated him for that. I hated him for leaving me. Was he tired of me too?
But we would spend a lot of time together, laughing and playing. He never showed me his sadness.

Years later, my aunt confided in me how tired his mental state was. She told me my mother was a difficult lady to stay with. Well, I would not have denied that. I too had left home by then, in search of my soul, my existence on earth, away from her.

Was my father so tired that he had to leave his 5 year old daughter behind him? Just like that? I couldn’t leave my puppy behind without proper supervision.
I know it can’t be compared. I was his daughter. A part of his soul, left alone on this earth. Left alone to struggle by myself.

I had been left out of many things in life because I did not have a father. Be it friends playing basketball with their respective fathers, annual competitions, parents-teachers’ meetings and what not. The list is endless.

My mother was too depressed with the entire situation. She never came out of it till date. All I can give her is sympathy and all she gives me back are looks which say, ” You don’t love your mother who stuck to you but you love that man who left us.”

I sometimes wish to yell out the fact that he did not leave us. He left my mother and I was just a complimentary ‘tag along’

I don’t know who was at fault. Maybe it was her fault or his fault or both’s. I don’t want to know that. My only question has always been, “Why did I have to suffer due to their fights?”

I am a travel blogger now. I love to travel. As a matter of fact, I know I am trying to run away from myself. A piece of me is kept in each city with no promises to return. I don’t want to return anywhere. I don’t want to BE.

I have met many people in my life. But I never meet them again. I would take their numbers and never call them back. I do not want anything permanent now. Permanent means attachment. Attachment leads to disappointment.

I have just one attachment in my life. I seek closure to that.
But if I seek closure, would I stop running then? Aint I running places just to find him?

My flight arrival is announced amidst these crowded thoughts, suffocating me.
I get up to board the flight with my head up and eyes sharp. I never let a tear come out of it since years. Not even when I have been alone.

I smile. Another journey to Never-land. Never-land I call because I shall never visit that place again. Never!

If destiny permits, I shall meet him someday with a bunch of chocolates in his hands, which were always there for me on the kitchen table every Sunday, decades ago.

“A fragrance is like a cat burglar in your brain, it has the key with which to pick the lock and unleash your memories.” – Said somebody who knows the value of memories too.

A love nobody knew of..

“Finally you met the girl of your dreams!”, she smiled.

“ Well yes.. I met the person I was always searching for.” I smiled back.

“ So tell me about her.. I want to know.” I bet she did not want to know.

“ Nothing much to say specifically. Remember our late night talks about the girl I used to dream about? Very much the same. In fact, ditto!”, I tried to search for a smile on her face this time.

“ That is great! I am happy for you.”

I looked in her eyes and saw tears welling up.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am happy. You had enough of people bothering you to get married. Enough of those lectures from elders and younger siblings already married. I knew it would bother you a lot. At least an end to all those heated arguments now.”

“I am not marrying to end those arguments. There is no pressure. You do know right?”

“Of course I know that!” She looked away this time. “You are marrying because you met your perfect match!”

I looked away too. In deep thought. We were on the terrace of our building. The cool breeze brushed our skin, making us forget our worries for a while. But alas, the wind had to drop down bringing us back to reality.

I looked at her, “Yes I found my match. I don’t think I would find somebody again like her. This was the chance the universe gave me to leave the mess and put you out of it too. Even you were suffering. More than me. I can’t even put myself in your shoes to understand your pain.”

“My pain? What pain?” Still looking away from me.

“Let us stop this hide and seek for a while. Nobody is here to testify our conversation. Can we be ourselves for the last time please?” I said firmly and lot of pain in my voice justified it.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “Yes I was in lot of pain since so many years. Because I never loved my husband. I never loved the person I got married to. But then you came in my life. No expectations, no questions asked or answered. Your mere presence made me go through the mundane life, I was surviving. Then came the next kind of pain. The pain of not being able to be with you. The pain of fearing what other people would say. The pain of seeing you suffer too.

You think you have freed me from the pain? No. Actually I have had myself landed in another planet of pain. The worst kind. The pain to see the love of my life with somebody else. Somebody else showing that right over you while I have to sit and watch the entire episode for my lifetime with a forceful smile on my face. Because I have to be happy for you right?”

I was listening to this helplessly till now. I had decided not to remove this topic but I couldn’t resist it anymore. “Why this blame game? Weren’t you the one to force me endlessly to get married so that I don’t end up alone in my life? Wasn’t I hurt to see you with him? I know you weren’t in love with him but there is this bond you shared and he had all the right over you. Wasn’t I helpless that time? I am not marrying to compete. But because you said you wanted to free yourself and me from the pain. I am not marrying for the sake of it. I do feel for her. She is perfect herself. All I wanted. All I already had in you. I like her. She is my match. But you are my perfect match. There is a difference! Please understand.” My eyes pleaded her to understand that nobody could replace her ever.

She smiled full heartedly this time. “Sweetheart, does it matter if I understand what you are trying to tell me? Does it matter if she is your match and I am your perfect match? Does any of this matter?”

I could see her tired eyes. I noticed that she was growing old now. The wrinkles beneath her eyes showed the life she was surviving everyday. It is strange I never noticed them before. Maybe because I met somebody of my age? Is it the reason why I have moved on? But I was never a believer of the age gap. I loved her endlessly. Still do. But the society has given  a different name to our relationship and we need to abide by the ‘rules’.

She snapped her finger at me, “Where are you lost?”

I felt guilty of moving on. Her growing age can’t make me move on. My love is true. But so is my feeling for my fiancé. I looked at her and asked, “Were ‘We’ wrong? Can ‘Us’ ever happen?”

She looked deep in me, “Remember one thing. ‘We’ were never wrong. But for others, we are not right. There is a difference between our and their perspective. We need to respect that. It doesn’t make us bad but we are humans bond with an invisible thread of relations. Nobody knows who set the rules. But the mob is always right and we have to be with the mob.”

“So is it time?” I enquired.

“Time for what my dear?”

“Is it time to move on and forget what we had? Is it time to stop looking at each other the way we used to? Is it time to behave the way our relation expects or rather commands?”

“So many questions already? Yes, it is time for all that but one thing.”

My eyes still under query.

She continued. “There is no time which can force me to forget what we had. That is one right I have earned and nobody can take it from me.”

I looked at the mole on her right cheek. It reminded me of how I used to kiss it with love.

She noticed it and before anything could happen further, she held me and hugged me tight, “I am afraid but it is time.”

With that she let me lose and turned her back hurriedly heading towards the house.

“Where are you going?” I asked. Longing for another last hug.

She turned and said, “Beta I am making dinner for us. Come home soon. Your uncle must be waiting for me.”

Her words pierced my heart and made me fall back to reality. But the revengeful nature that I have, had to speak out. “Yes aunty. I will be there in a minute. Will speak with my loving would be wife and come down.”

Reality hit her hard too when she stopped her walk for 5 odd seconds. I had to do it. We rose in love together. If we fall, we fall together. That was the deal since it started.

She walked down and I picked up my phone to start a new life.

A tap on my shoulder and I turn behind.

She hugged me. She knew I needed it. She always knew what I needed. That is why she was perfect. She is perfect.

She hugged me tight this time and whispered in my ears, “Thank you. You gave me a life I dreamt of. You gave me memories to help me survive the rest of my life. I am your aunty but thank you for giving me the love I deserved. At least I thought I deserved.”

With this she left the terrace. She always knew what to say and when to say. As usual, she always had the last word. I smiled. Put my phone in the pocket. I guess this was a moment I wanted to be alone before barging into a new life. I am not going to ponder upon what is right and what is wrong. What is done is done. I can just relish the memories and dig in deep into nostalgia. A right that I earned!

Bonded Freedom..

Today I walk down the street. It is 7.30 pm. The street is crowded as usual. But there are eyes preying on me. I feel unwanted. I feel like an outsider.
Everybody who was busy in their own routine 2 minutes back, now have their eyes and attention glued on me.

Is there anything unusual about me? Maybe Yes!

Yes! I am walking on the street. Today Naked! Not an inch of cover on my body. Why should it be covered anyway? I was born this way. I am going to die this way. Then why the hassle of covering me up between the period of Life and Death? Ever seen a person cladded with all his clothes and jewelry while burying him?

You think I must be crazy. No, this is not another candlelight march for any justice. No, I am not protesting against anything. In fact, I am rejoicing today. I feel free today. No bondages, no hideouts. I walk free from the materialistic world. I walk free from the judgment of all people.

Cheers to all the people who turned their faces down in sadness when they heard from the enthusiastic nurse, “It is a girl!”

Cheers to all the relatives who thought buying new toys for a girl would be a waste and instead handed me over the leftover items to play with.
Cheers to all the aunties and uncles who taught us to ‘adjust’ because we are born a female. They think that females can adjust because we have the ‘enduring nature’.
Though they say Men are born tough, I wonder how the adjusting part always comes in our kitty.

The cold wind brushes through my hair and touches my skin. I get the chills penetrating through my naked skin giving me goosebumps. My body hair stands straight.  Yes, you heard it right. Body hair. Yes, I did not wax or shave my body. Yes, even females have hair on their bodies. Yes, even my pubic hair is in front of all. Because this is how science works.

Cheers to all the guys who mock at girls with hair showing on their bodies. Be it arms, legs or face. Some people say,’ Girls do a lot of makeup. Why can’t they be natural?’ Well, we listened to you. We are natural. We won’t shave off our natural hair just as you don’t. Cheers to the people at the medical shop who would stare in disgust if we call out for a sanitary pad loud. Cheers to the people who would not touch us when we are menstruating. For your information, it is how hormones work inside us which lets out the impurities every month from our body. It is not some disease to be looked down upon.

Cheers to the uncles and neighbors who would stare at us as if we were some ‘thing’ put on auction. Cheers to those invisible eyes and hands which would take the liberty to touch us in public as and how they enjoy, smiling back at our cold face as if it is their right to touch us.

Cheers to the people who would give us cold stares and give us signals to take our tee shirt a bit down as our waist is seen while riding or sitting in a garden. Maybe, it is offending to others. Then why don’t people stand up for the same thing when guys are roaming around in their underwear on the beaches and disturbing the aura around too? Won’t that cause discomfort for the elders, kids, and other human beings? One strap seen half an inch outside the tee shirt and the guys’ imagination go wild for us. Is it our fault? What is so shameful about that?

Cheers to the people who would throw cheap remarks on the girls passing by. And by chance, if the girls protest, the others have an acid bottle ready to ruin her face and self-esteem. A girl’s ‘No’ doesn’t count at all. Be it while telling her parents no for a marriage that she is not ready or to her husband for forcing her to have sex.

You may think I am being just another feminist blabbering the same old things. But don’t we think that is time we stop the feminism, male chauvinism etc. and start practicing Humanism? Not only do the girls with skimpy clothes or girls with burkhas are being harassed but also the newborn babies. What would you say after hearing a rape of a 5-month-old baby? Isn’t that inhuman? I say inhuman because animals are much better than our race when it comes to compassion towards others.

Why does anybody have to live according to the rules just because some people don’t have control over themselves? Why should only one gender suffer all the time? My question is WHY? If the girls can’t go outside, who said they are safe inside? In the name of uncles and cousins, there are those species waiting to lurk on few unfortunate girls too inside their ‘safe’ zone.

Cheers to the rules which demarcate a Line of Control for us where we have to think a thousand times to step out of the house. Where we can’t file a complaint because my own identity would be crushed. Who said our identity existed before it too?

Today It is not me who steps out naked from my house. It is my soul stepping out of my body. It pleads to let it live freely. It wants to experience each moment without any fear of any other soul.

I see many eyes lurking over my naked body, waiting to pounce on it. But I should warn you! You will only get the flesh from my body, not my soul. My soul stills stays away from this cruel world. My soul still prays to see a better world someday..!

 

 

 

After Life…

“Should I get you something to eat?” – asks my dear friend Ankush. We have met after 3 whole years.

I smile with a nod and see him walk towards the garden gate and head towards the eatery stall.

I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. It is like a different world out here. Everybody seems so free. The birds chirp a different tune with each second passing by. The green leaves sway around with the air, as if teasing the wind. Autumn is far I guess. Kids running around, stamping the wet green lush grass to their oblivion, which secretes a fresh aroma tingling my nostalgia to good old days.

I look around people laughing out loudly. Few are busy meditating among the noisy crowd. Isn’t it hard concentrating for them? Maybe this is meditation. Staying quiet within when the exterior is noisy. Was I meditating for so many years?

My questions come to a halt with a voice calling out to me. At least I thought it was for me. “Dadda” – calls the voice. I ignore it at first, busy making my favorite cartoon characters with the clouds in the sky. Suddenly somebody nudges my knee. I look down on the ground and see a tiny creature with angelic eyes looking at me with a broad smile.

I try smiling back but unfortunately, I have lost the habit to smile back, I guess. I start looking at the sky again to continue with my game. She nudges me again. This time I look down, try to smile and push her away from me. She still doesn’t budge. I guess the politeness doesn’t work with people anymore. I slide to my left with cross legged posture. I have never wanted Ankush beside me so badly. She giggles and walks towards me with wobbling steps. It is like a game to her.

I stand up and take hurried steps away from her. I am scared of her. I do not want to face her innocent face looking at me with hopeful eyes. My breathing has increased. I am perspiring from head to toe. As I walk away, I hear her cry. The game is over for her and maybe she realized the same. I try to ignore her screeching voice and stand as if I have nothing to do with this situation.

My breathing increases more and more till I can’t take her cry anymore. I turn around and walk hurriedly towards her and carry her in my arms swiftly.

‘I finally found you! I will never leave you Anu. I am sorry my baby.’ – As I kiss her face and hug her tightly.

I see her face getting sober as she hugs me too. She too misses my hugs as much as I do. She has gone into deep sleep in my arms. I still feel like talking out my feelings to her. She is just a little kid but I know she will understand and forgive me for what I did to her years ago.

‘Sorry my baby. I left you after that accident. I was terrified with your mother’s death and did not know what to do next. Your mother and I were orphans and did not have any relative who could take care of you. Daddy had to go for medication and hence he abandoned you. Please forgive your dadda. I am well now and capable of taking care of my Anu. I swear dadda would not leave you alone now. He will always be with you’

She looks at me smiling and playing in my arms. I hug her tight and cry my heart out. She forgave me. My Anu is finally with me.

‘Uncle, can we have our ball please?’

I look up with tears still flowing from my eyes. A group of kids  stand with Ankush right behind them popping his head out.

I am confused. Why is everybody staring at me?

I see Ankush coming towards me pushing the crowd behind him. He looks at me. Even he has tears in his eyes. What is happening?!

He takes Anu from me and gives her to the kids. But why can’t I see Anu? Where is Anu?

I find myself suffocated and trying to reach out for more oxygen. I have already lost Piyu but now I can’t afford to lose Anu. Our sweet Anu. I will always take care of my sweet angel.

Ankush interrupts my thoughts. ‘Nikhil, I guess we need to take you back to the rehab.’

‘Why? Is there anything we need to collect from there?’

‘Err. Nikhil. We thought you are fine after 3 years and all the reports too say that your condition is stable. But…’

‘But what Ankush? I am stable! Can’t you see? My mental condition went worse after Piyu died in that accident. I agree. Thankfully, I can feel myself better and normal now. And now that I have Anu, I will be the most perfect dad ever. Come Ankush, we will take Anu now from the kids. Where is she? Why did you send her off with the kids? Let us take her home.’

Ankush suddenly hugs me and starts crying,’ Nikhil, there is no Piyu or Anu.’

‘What rubbish! I just played with Anu. Didn’t you just see her having fun with me?’

‘Nikhil! There is no Anu too!’ – He withdraws himself from me and cries out loud.

I nudge him by his shoulder and he looks at me, ‘Nikhil, I can’t see you like this anymore. Let us go back to the Rehab centre please. You need help my friend. Anu and Piyu both died in that accident but somehow you never registered Anu’s death and felt that she was sent for an adoption. But Nikhil…’

‘Ankush, I am totally fine. I don’t need any rehab center now. I swear. Trust me.’

‘Then what was that? You talking to the ball?’

I held Ankush’s hand tightly, ‘ I just came out in the normal world and looking at all kids playing, I got overwhelmed maybe. A mere lapse. And I know this is temporary and will go away with time. Trust me please.’

Ankush looks in my eyes as if to find out the truth. I continue, ‘Please don’t let me go back there. I have lived like a 100 years in 3 years. I left that place for good and I am back to normal. You saw me yesterday and today too. Don’t let this small incident spoil my life friend.’

‘Umm. Ok. But please promise me you will start accepting the fact and move on with life. I am always by your side to help you in this phase. I promise.’- Ankush and I smile and hug each other.

We walk towards the main gate.

‘I will get the car Nikhil. Will you wait here?’

‘Yes of course. I will be here.’

I look behind in the garden and see Anu smiling at me.

‘Bye baby. Nobody will understand us. I will meet you every evening in this park . It will be our own sweet time spent together. I will make up for all the years you were away from me. Daddy will never lose you again my love. ’

Ankush arrives and I sit in the car with a smile on my face after ages. I finally get a reason to live my life. Our Life!

 

Surrendered to oblivion…

‘Yes, I have left from office. Shall catch a cab and reach home. See you.’ – She put her phone in the bag and headed towards the gate with hurried steps.

Her legs froze at the sight of somebody. She stopped. She rechecked her senses if she actually saw him or was just plainly hallucinating.

Her steps grew slow. Very slow. Her eyes were caught in his though. She reached near him. Facing him with no expression at all.

They stood in front of each other in silence, just gazing into each other’s eyes for at least two whole minutes.

‘Should we go somewhere quiet and speak or are we comfortable standing here?’ – smiled Mike.

‘Isn’t this silence enough for you?’ – replied Amy.

‘I know of a good pastry shop nearby. Actually have been hanging around there since afternoon, waiting for you. Let us go there and talk.’

‘What is there left to talk now Michael?!’

‘Mike by the way.’

‘I have no right to call you that anymore, I guess.’ – She said, hiding her tears in the dark.

‘C’mon! Nothing has changed. You are the same. I am the same. Please let us talk. I am requesting.’

‘Oh! You are requesting? Wow! And Mike, for your information, I am married now. My marriage is 4 months old.’

‘I know! I know all of it!’

‘Why did you come to meet me then?’ – tears rolling from the corner of her eye.

Mike extended his hand to wipe off her tear. She moved away and faced the other way.

‘I guess you should go Mike. There is no point talking now. Please understand.’

‘Amy, I love you. I really do. Please let us talk once at least.’

‘Talk about what? You leaving me for no reason at all? Oh sorry, you had a reason actually. I was being too clingy and pressuring you with my love. Right?’

‘Amy baby! I was a fool. Alright? Please talk to me.’

‘And?’

‘And what? Let us talk like matured people and solve this issue.’ – He took her hand in his.

‘Matured people? Mike! Please leave before I lose my mind completely!’- She started walking towards the gate with trembling legs.

‘Amy! I am here till tomorrow afternoon. I know you still love me. If you really want me to make up for all my blunder, please call me. I shall wait for your call. I know you will call me.’

She was standing looking towards the gate. She couldn’t look behind towards Mike. Teary eyed, she started walking ahead. Her steps stronger this time.

She unlocks the main door.

‘Hi! How was your day?’

‘The usual. Hectic. How about you?’ – She smiled. Her eyes couldn’t lie though.

‘Mine was great! I made dinner for us by the way. Was home early. Thought could use the time.’

‘Oh! Thanks. I will freshen up and we can have dinner then.’

George showed her a thumbs up sign and went on to start the television.

She hurried into the bathroom. Looking at herself in the mirror and thinking. George loves me so much. He has made efforts for this marriage since day one. Mike never cared for me. I don’t even know why he is here now. He must be feeling lonely and wants to satiate his loneliness, I guess. But I still love him. How much ever I deny, I can never erase him from my life. But what would happen to George? Is Mike even serious about having me back in his life? Should I call him tomorrow and ask him what he has thought about us? I should have heard what he had to say today.

Suddenly another squeaky voice inside her spoke. Amy! Are you crazy? He is not worth your tears or your thoughts! Don’t you remember how he just left you in the middle of nowhere, putting all the blame on how you had messed his life? Don’t you remember how depressed you were for such a long time until George picked up all your broken pieces? George doesn’t deserve this from you Amy. There will be no difference between what Mike did with you and what you shall be doing with George. Don’t be a narcissist like Mike!

She just sat on the floor with her hands on her ears, trying to stop all the voices in her head. She was almost breaking down when George knocked the door. ‘Amy? All good? It’s been a while you are inside. I just came in to check on you.’

‘Err. Yes. I thought I will have a shower. I will be ready in five minutes. Sorry.’

‘Oh ok. No problem doll. I will set the plates on the table till then baby.’

She looked at the door. George had left from their room. Her eyes were fully red by this time. She took a quick shower and decided to keep these thoughts on hold for a while. She couldn’t let George know a single thing and wreck their marriage. I need to be strong enough this time.

The next few hours went in talking to George about his upcoming advertisements and general office discussions. He was very excited to launch his new project in the market and couldn’t stop talking about it. Amy sat there beside him, looking at his excitement and smiled. This is the man, I am destined with. I can’t let him down with my stupidity.

It was half past Twelve. They got into the bed to sleep. Amy suddenly realized that Mike was in the same city tonight. What would he be doing? Would he be waiting for my call? Should I check in if he is alright?

Curiosity got the better of her. She rushed in the bathroom.

‘Hi Mike. How are you?’ Erased it. ‘Hi!’ Erased it again

Amy! Get a hold of yourself! What are you doing? Did he care when he had asked you to leave his house that evening? Did he check on you whether you reached safely or not? Don’t let him master your thoughts this time Amy. You have a beautiful married life. Why do you want to ruin it for a man who isn’t even sure if he would marry you?

Meanwhile…

‘Hey! I reached the airport. My flight is in 3 hours. Hope Amy did not see my scarf. Sorry, I forgot to pick it up after we… ; ) ’

Text delivered.

Text read.

‘Hey babes! I came home early and put the scarf in a safe place. I had a wonderful time. Catch you in London in three months. I will be there for my product launch. See you then. Till then, no contact babes. Have a safe flight!’

Conversation deleted.

Contacts – Shipra – Block number – Delete contact!

Amy came in the room.

‘You are still awake? I thought you would have slept.’

George kept the phone on the side table, looked at her and smiled.

‘I was waiting for my baby to come and sleep beside me.’

Amy smiled. More out of guilt than love.

‘Wait George. I guess I left the lights on in the toilet. I will switch them off and come running back.’

‘Deal!’

She went inside and opened her phone.

Contacts – Michelle – Block number – Delete contact!

She got up to open the toilet door and looked behind at the mirror.

Mike. I leave you for good. Our memories for good. I won’t need to keep a different name for you in my phone anymore. I hope you get my final answer with this and get out of my life.

‘Baby what took you so long? Come quickly to me please.’

‘Sorry honey. I had few tasks to complete before sleeping. I am all yours now.’ Smiled Amy and cuddled up next to George.

Her eyes, finally content, went to peaceful sleep, in oblivion to jumping from one burning cliff to another.

 

 

Ctrl+Z …

“No no, we needed to have that image on the other side!” – exclaimed I.

“Just relax, I got it right. Control + Z. See? It has been corrected now.” – Pacified my colleague – ‘T’.

“Phew, Thank God.”

“C’mon, you should thank Ctrl + Z for this.” giggled T.

“T, I was thinking… What if our Life too had an option of Ctrl + Z?”

T stopped me abruptly, “Babes, this is no Eureka moment. I have thought about this a lot of times. It would have been so easy if we had that option.”

“T, I meant our life would have sucked if we had that option.”

T was surprised at this statement and waved off my thought, “What rubbish! It would have been amazing to undo our life as and how we wanted. Don’t you think so?” he asked with some hope of my nod in agreement.

“Silly, I can’t explain it right now. But I shall write about it and you will know what I mean.”

“Indeed, I shall wait for your article Ms. Writer”, chuckled T.

So here I am, with a pen and my book, thinking all about how life would have been if we had the facility to alter our life’s moments.

I am sure most of you reading this would think I have gone crazy. I mean, who wouldn’t want a life which can be tailored as per our needs. Aren’t I right?

But for a moment, let us kill that imagination and replace it with a different perspective.

Imagine you go to an amusement park and sit on a ride. You wouldn’t know what comes next. You are seated and are anxious about the entire journey. You finish your ride and come out. You loved the experience. You would want to sit again. After a couple of times, I am sure you would not be so excited to sit on that ride. You know why? Because you know what the ride is about. You know you have experienced all the emotions while sitting through it already.

Life is the same. Don’t we all love a bit of surprise and anxiety in it?

You are out travelling for work and your wife calls you saying you missed your daughter’s first words. No big deal. You immediately undo your life and go back to saying no to your boss for the work trip as you already know you have to listen to your daughter’s first mumble jumble. And yes, you do stay back to hear her.

But just think… for a second… this same situation with no undo option. You would be so disappointed with yourself and jealous of your wife as she was there to experience the first voice of your daughter. You suddenly realize how important your baby is to you. You wait desperately for the next time when you could relish that moment. Can you feel those emotions? Can you imagine how satisfied you would be when you finally get to have that moment? Nothing like it, I bet!

You join into engineering. After a year, you change your mind and want to try fashion designing. You undo your life and try fashion designing, only changing your mind again without any clue of the future.

Now, without the undo button, you continue doing engineering, slogging through all years. But through this entire process, you also meet so many other people who inspire you and make you realize that engineering is not for you but you are for engineering rather. You have amazing experiences of falling down sometimes but getting up with greater force. Sleeping off on your desk in the middle of doing all submissions at night. Waking up to a hot mug of coffee, made by the same people you now call friends.

Would all this be possible if you had the undo button? Maybe yes, but not with the same intensity when life is a mystery.

We all have failed relationships and break down all the time. If undo was an option, we would use it the minute anything went wrong between the two of you and jump on to loving some other person.

But don’t we learn from each person we meet? Breakups are worse, I agree. But how else would we learn to respect and admire the love of our life, the right person after all the messed up wrong ones left us broken? We would know how to make it right finally. We would know what love is.

These are just few random examples. Life has such moments each second. What fun would Life be if we already knew what we were doing and what we want? There would be no Eureka moment. There would be no surprises, no shocks, no fear, no excitement, no tears, and no laughter. Everything would be tailor made and Life would seem more like a robotic controlled world.

We are all energy and made up of so many emotions, not just one. We all want to be happy. Who doesn’t? But happiness never exists without sadness. It has no importance without sadness. Just as light has no existence without darkness and vice versa. We need to embrace each moment as it comes and be grateful to have experienced it and learn from all colors, life throws at us. Sometimes Life seems black. It makes us realize how important white is to us. At times, we make irreparable mistakes for which we so wish we could undo all our actions. But it never can happen that way. Because we were meant to commit that mistake. We were meant to learn from it to avoid a bigger situation the next time.

It is not so easy to always be happy-go-lucky. Neither do I follow it myself all the time. But after all the cribbing of “Why me?”, I finally learn to accept it whole heartedly and go ahead to see what Life has to offer me more. Life is a roller coaster with all its ups and downs. The butterflies we get in our stomach while going up on a ride and the thrill of falling down with such intensity makes it a perfect combination.

I definitely wouldn’t want Control+Z. Do you?

The Job ..

“How do I look ?”, asked Maria in an oblivious manner.

“You look breathtaking as ever honey !”, I answered honestly.

Scared of her rage, I persisted yet, “My love. I really get worried for you. You work out of the house the entire night which makes me feel all the more guilty. I feel bad that I can’t provide you with all the luxury you  deserve.”

Surprisingly, she said in a softened tone,”Baby, please don’t say that. I work at a very safe place and I am happy that I am playing your role as a provider of the house. It has made me a responsible person all the more.

Besides, my employer is very understanding and that is why, he has settled to let me work in the night shift. This way I work while you are asleep and can take care of you in the daytime.”

“But I do not want you to sacrifice so much for a blind and helpless man like me. Please let me help us in some way or…”

She interrupted immediately. This time enraged. “ Please! I dare you to call yourself that again! It was an unfortunate accident. You lost your eyes to save me. I know I can never repay you for this but can’t I do this much for us?

I am aware that my education is not sufficient at all to provide a good lifestyle for us. Thankfully, after a lot of perseverance and being rejected by many companies, I finally have this job to make both ends meet.”

“My love. Forgive me please. My intention was not to hurt you. I just care a lot about you to let you toil and burn the midnight oil while I am helplessly sitting at home, doing nothing. However, I understand and promise to never hurt you. My respect has increased for you and will always keep increasing.”

“Promise me that again please David”, she squeezed my hand hard asking this.

“Of course my love, I promise”, I take her face in my hands and kiss her forehead.

The phone rings, interrupting our moment.

“Hello.. Yes yes, I will be there in ten minutes. Thanks.”

She sat beside me,”

It was the driver. I shall head for work. Please sleep on time and take care of your health. Do call me if there is any emergency.”

“Sure babes. You take care too and do not over stress yourself. Do not worry about me. I am perfectly fine. What time will you be back by the way?”

“The usual. 6 am.”

“Wow!” I smiled. “Please thank your boss to be so understanding. He lets you leave each day on time.”

“Hmm. I will. I love you. I will be back in no time. Goodnight sweetheart.”

We kiss and the doors close behind me. I go back to the bedroom with a peaceful smile on my face .

“Taxi!” – Maria waved her arm. The cab halts. “Where to?”

“Radisson hotel”, says Maria.

She sits inside recalling her blind husband’s trusting words – Please thank your boss.

With tears in her eyes, she smirks at her helplessness. Only if he knew that I had a different boss each night. Only if I had my education supportive enough for an appropriate job.

The cab took off from her apartment, while she looked out of her car window. Their bedroom lights went off.

Honey, at least one of us sleeps peacefully each night. She rests her head on the seat and closes her eyes.